It’s funny how we as humans try to fill our voids…we buy big houses, nice cars, and dogs, we have kids, we become room mothers and over controlling stay-at-home moms, we drink too much alcohol, we get expensive graduate degrees we don’t plan on using, we have extra marital affairs, we have sex with strangers, take up new hobbies like scrap booking, and crafting…is that really a hobby?
Now you may read this and say, “I just like scrap booking I’m not filling a void.” But you are fulfilling a need (a void if you will). Maybe it is just a need to create or perhaps it’s deeper…maybe you are creating the illusion that your life is picture perfect. All humans have needs and when they are not met, it leaves a void. Or perhaps the void comes first then the “need” to fill it? Hmm which came first – the chicken or the egg?
I do know that I have voids and I’ve watched myself try to fill them with various things… I needed to feel safe and protected; so I bought a dog (a Chow no less). I needed to feel desired; so I have sex with someone. I needed to feel loved; so I hold on to old romantic relationships to remind myself that I am lovable. I needed to feel successful; so I bought the most expensive car I could afford. I need to feel companionship; so I eat a box of candy.
I am not alone in this venture to “fill”… I look around and many others who are likely unaware of their need to “fill”. So does this stuff, this “filling” ever really quench that need? I would have to say NO. I still feel empty most of the time. Whether it’s because I have little to no relationship with family (not saying I want one- my family system is not exactly healthy). Maybe it’s because I’m a single parent. Maybe it’s because I’ve had several disappointing romantic relationships.
Regardless, I am going to try to stop filling my void with things, and start focusing on more meaningful relationships with my friends.
P.S. I really do love my dog –she is much more than a “filler”…
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
My Vacation Day
Yesterday I finally got to spend a day off having fun with my child. This was the first in about seven months. Since most of my vacation days were spent with my dear friend Migraine, I didn’t get to take off any time at Christmas. So for his last day of winter break and the first work day of the new year, I took a vacation day.
It began with the mandatory cleaning and organizing that always takes place when mommy has a day off. This time we purged Wyatt’s you-can-no-longer-walk-in walk-in closet. After bagging two trash bags of old toys, one bag of trash, and three of old clothes, we headed to my acupuncture appointment. Followed by a quick game of “where are my football cards?” …which were back at the acupuncturist’s office. Ah ha, turn car around and retrieve cards then head to PetsMart for new Chow 2010 calendar. The pet store is always kinda fun. Noisy birds of bright colors, little furry rodents in cages (people actually keep these things as pets?) and the cats. We even got to play with a Chow puppy for a few minutes before she went in for a grooming. Wyatt located the calendar I wanted. Score!
Then we were off to have lunch followed by an afternoon of snow tubing. No, we don’t own an actual sled, so we improvised and used the inner tube from the pool last summer. Bundled up in many layers, including long johns, extra socks, scarves, hats, and hoods, we set out to climb the steep hill by the church close to our house. Oh did I mention that Wyatt had to pee as soon I had him all bundled up?
Once we made it to the top of the hill, Wyatt went down first and then made a very sluggish climb back the top. That’s when I ran back to the house to get the inhaler. So five minutes and two puffs later, we were both headed down the hill together with my ass dragging the entire way! After about 40 frozen minutes of fun, Wyatt was ready to call it a day. Which was fine with me …my ass was so numb I thought it would have permanent damage (apparently I have enough cushioning to sustain long intervals in the snow).
I started yet another load of laundry on my vacation day and began getting ready to head out for Wyatt’s dentist appointment. Sigh. Why did I make this appointment on my vacation day? Oh yeah so I wouldn’t have to miss work. Great. Oh and one more thing… we haven’t even been to the gym yet. Yet.
It began with the mandatory cleaning and organizing that always takes place when mommy has a day off. This time we purged Wyatt’s you-can-no-longer-walk-in walk-in closet. After bagging two trash bags of old toys, one bag of trash, and three of old clothes, we headed to my acupuncture appointment. Followed by a quick game of “where are my football cards?” …which were back at the acupuncturist’s office. Ah ha, turn car around and retrieve cards then head to PetsMart for new Chow 2010 calendar. The pet store is always kinda fun. Noisy birds of bright colors, little furry rodents in cages (people actually keep these things as pets?) and the cats. We even got to play with a Chow puppy for a few minutes before she went in for a grooming. Wyatt located the calendar I wanted. Score!
Then we were off to have lunch followed by an afternoon of snow tubing. No, we don’t own an actual sled, so we improvised and used the inner tube from the pool last summer. Bundled up in many layers, including long johns, extra socks, scarves, hats, and hoods, we set out to climb the steep hill by the church close to our house. Oh did I mention that Wyatt had to pee as soon I had him all bundled up?
Once we made it to the top of the hill, Wyatt went down first and then made a very sluggish climb back the top. That’s when I ran back to the house to get the inhaler. So five minutes and two puffs later, we were both headed down the hill together with my ass dragging the entire way! After about 40 frozen minutes of fun, Wyatt was ready to call it a day. Which was fine with me …my ass was so numb I thought it would have permanent damage (apparently I have enough cushioning to sustain long intervals in the snow).
I started yet another load of laundry on my vacation day and began getting ready to head out for Wyatt’s dentist appointment. Sigh. Why did I make this appointment on my vacation day? Oh yeah so I wouldn’t have to miss work. Great. Oh and one more thing… we haven’t even been to the gym yet. Yet.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Half asleep when I wrote this one
When you're in that place in between sleep and waking; your body swaying like a boat on a breeze. You feel yourself floating into the ocean-dark and away. Your thoughts wander and the body twitches until conscious streams of thought bring you back to land, but only for a minute. Then you are off with heavy head nodding; two stones for eyelids.
This poem came to me in my sleep...I quickly wrote it down when I woke up
What if you were walking slowly backward and tripped and fell into the outline of your image.
What would you see there?
Would you see darkness?
Would you feel your soul as it moved throughout your body?
Would you twirl your arms like a little girl dancing?
Would you feel God's presence?
Feel the heat rising in your neck. As the eyelids grow ever so heavy, the body relaxes and the legs fall silent. The world is still and empty except for the smell of earth.
What would you see there?
Would you see darkness?
Would you feel your soul as it moved throughout your body?
Would you twirl your arms like a little girl dancing?
Would you feel God's presence?
Feel the heat rising in your neck. As the eyelids grow ever so heavy, the body relaxes and the legs fall silent. The world is still and empty except for the smell of earth.
my first blog
Okay so I finally did it. I started a blog...like 10 million other people; however, this blog may be unlike some of the ones you’re accustomed to reading.
A few caveats:
•NO seasonal recipes or cute little pictures of crafty lunches I’ve whipped up for my son before school will appear on this blog. Yeah that’s not how we roll in this house. We are lucky to get out of the house in the morning with our heads screwed on and our shoes on the right feet, and I’m not even certain if that occurs half the time.
•Yes, I use the “F” word from time to time; I like it that way. I have no intention of cleaning up my vocabulary to avoid upsetting someone who may or may not read this. In case you are wondering, that word would be FUCK… the best curse word there is (a noun, a verb, an adjective, you get the idea).
•No promises as to whether I can actually keep up a blog. I’m very busy and often exhausted by the end of the day. So, we shall see how often I actually get to post.
My hope is that this will serve as a way for me to vent and possibly connect with other single moms…it always helps to know you are not alone. Also, on occasion I write poetry or other such nonsense and I would like a place to post it.
A few caveats:
•NO seasonal recipes or cute little pictures of crafty lunches I’ve whipped up for my son before school will appear on this blog. Yeah that’s not how we roll in this house. We are lucky to get out of the house in the morning with our heads screwed on and our shoes on the right feet, and I’m not even certain if that occurs half the time.
•Yes, I use the “F” word from time to time; I like it that way. I have no intention of cleaning up my vocabulary to avoid upsetting someone who may or may not read this. In case you are wondering, that word would be FUCK… the best curse word there is (a noun, a verb, an adjective, you get the idea).
•No promises as to whether I can actually keep up a blog. I’m very busy and often exhausted by the end of the day. So, we shall see how often I actually get to post.
My hope is that this will serve as a way for me to vent and possibly connect with other single moms…it always helps to know you are not alone. Also, on occasion I write poetry or other such nonsense and I would like a place to post it.
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